You never really know someone
I've been hesitant for a while whether or not to write this blog, once something is out there it's out there isn't it.
However, I'm trying to raise my neurodivergent children to be proud of who they are and not hide anything about themselves, so I guess I'd be a hypocritical mother if I didn't share my story too.
I'm 37 years old and I think if you asked most people who thought they knew me they'd say I'm confident, outgoing and strong and whilst on the forefront that may be apparent if you really know me, and I mean REALLY know me you'd know that couldn't be further from the truth.
From my early teens I have struggled with my mental health and that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I wouldn't change that knowing what I know now. It's made me who I am.
I have self-harmed (you'll notice I have a full sleeve tattoo and plenty more tattoos on my legs) and whilst I didn't necessarily have them to hide my scars from myself, it avoided the questions or judgment from other people. We live in a world where people are still judged for how they look no matter what.
I also struggled with bulimia, and it wasn't until recently I realised, I still have an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) which goes hand in hand with previous eating disorders. It's not because I think I'm fat or because I'm obsessed with my appearance (before some judgemental person jumps on me) it's something I literally cannot control.
As we get older, I think we learn more about ourselves and understand that we don't all have to fit into this "normal" that society expects of us, and I've met so many people who actually understand me. That's come from being in a creative industry and learning about autism and adhd. Being around people like me who don't judge and are similar to myself.
My mind is never quiet. I don't mean just normal noises I mean it's constantly noisy - every single moment to the point I can't even get to sleep. The minute I wake up it starts. It makes me cry sometimes because it's overwhelming and I just want a few minutes to hear silence. Welcome to the adhd.
I can't sit still. I can't be bored. I have to be doing something. That in itself is draining (never mind the lack of sleep and 3 children) and because my mind is full of clutter, I have to have my surroundings tidy - welcome to the OCD.
I have anxiety - I won't go anywhere new on my own and this has got worse as I've got older. I don't like busy places and the thought of meeting new people literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I over think every single scenario.
Someone said to me not long ago, if you're not confident and you have anxiety how do you do your job? That's the thing, my job Is the only thing I actually think I'm good at and I can do without really thinking about, it's second nature to me. I'm also not me. I'm Kath Evans photography. I do it day in day out and it's a replay every day. What you don't see is before the session I arrive 1 hour before to make sure everything is ready, of course everything's ready I have a studio it's all there! I go for a wee about 15 times haha! I message my other photography friend and she tells me I'll nail it (she's a gem).
I've been pregnant 10 times, but I only have 3 children. Miscarriages are brutal. It's not something I talk about to many people and probably many will be shocked if they read this but it's a part of my journey. My first born was an easy pregnancy with no problems apart from awful sickness all the way through (she was born at 42 weeks)
My 2nd pregnancy wasn't as plain sailing. At 28 weeks I was told I had Polyhydramnios (where there is too much amniotic fluid around the baby during pregnancy) and Obstetric cholestasis (a disorder that affects your liver during pregnancy).
He had to be delivered at 32 weeks and I was induced, thankfully the induction was fast (16 mins), but he spent 2 weeks in NICU which was incredibly hard as I had to leave him there as I had my daughter at home.
I would visit him a few times a day, but this took a toll on my mental health, and I suffered with post-natal depression.
My 3rd pregnancy I was warned that the same problems would likely re occur and at 26 weeks, they did.
I made it to 36 weeks this time and after another fast induction (22 mins) he arrived safely and needed no support from the NICU.
I breastfed all of my children, the longest until 2.5 years old. I was faced with judgment from those who didn't breastfeed. It was tough from someone who was already emotionally, mentally and physically on edge.
I'm filled with self-doubt. I guess that may be hard to believe for some. I've done well for myself don't get me wrong. I've built a successful business up on my own whilst having 3 children and a home to look after. I've won numerous awards and I'm super proud of them, but I always get that imposter syndrome. I never feel like I deserve them.
I'm not sure if that feeling will ever go away, it's horrible I wish I could just enjoy what I've got but I just can't.
I guess the point of this blog is in the title - you never really know someone. You should always be kind because people are facing battles that you may not realise.
For all the people young or older who may look up to me, I'm posting this for you, if I can do it believe me you can to.
Push yourself because no one else will, cry if you need to and then wipe those tears and start again.
Most importantly - be you, your own you whatever that looks like - it's amazing x