Approaching 40 - Adhd, Autism and me x

My whole life I've always known I've been different.

I've never quite "fitted in" I've fleeted through many a friendship groups and always wondered why I couldn't gel with people. I just couldnt build those ever lasting connections (bar a couple of very very special people, they know who they are - but these came much later into my adult life)

School was tough. I had to put on this persona to "fit in". In the 90's I was known as a day dreamer, talkative and easily distracted, always away with my thoughts and my art would get me no where in life.

I really struggled with exams, especially maths so I was told I needed a private maths tutor. I had to get those A and B grades if I ever wanted to achieve anything in life and of course it was the "norm" to go to university. Funnily enough I loved English. Maybe it was because I was so talkative, or perhaps it was my teacher but my love for writing was apparent from a young age. I would write stories and poems, and learn books and verses with ease. Youd never get me to read out loud in front of the class though.

I studied art, music, English and drama for my a levels and passed with flying colours. I was still very lonely and with my art I found my escape from my reality. I had plans to go to university to study teaching but by this point, my mind had become so consumed with anxiety, noise, depression and this overwhelming sense of "I don't fit in" that after 2 days I simply dropped out. The people, the lights, the building, the smells, I just couldn’t process everything around me and I knew that this wasn't my path in life.

Everything i did was 1000% miles an hour. I never sat still. Everything had to be a certain way. My way. There was no give and take.

My eating habits became worse. When I was a teenager I was bulimic and although this was no longer an issue, limiting and controlling what I ate - was. I'd go through stages of only eating certain foods, go days on end without eating at all or only eat once a day. This was something I could control.

The self harming slowly crept back in too.

Insomnia has always been a heavy part of my life and I think it always will. How you can feel so physically and mentally exhausted yet go to bed and just lay there for hours on end still completely baffles me. I have sleeping tablets which give me a few hours relief from the whirlwind of thoughts that parylise my mind however this is always short lived and I'm soon lying in the darkness surrounded by past, present and future thoughts that one can simply not control.

After having my 3 children things really spiced up. Trying to maintain my house how I need things to be (and believe me it is a need not a want) trying to find that peace when you feel so overwhelmed with things but you can't because these 3 little people want to be on you 24/7. Being a full time self employed person yet being expected to be a full time mother and maintain a home is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Oh and let's just throw some more fun into that mix and add in some autism and adhd for them all shall we...

This is where the light bulb moment came.

I remember being sat in a meeting with one of them going through a list of "traits, triggers and stims" and various other factors that would class someone as neurodivergent.

Ticking each box for autism and adhd it was like my whole childhood and adulthood was written in front of me.

Could this be me? Could this be the reason for me feeling this way my whole life? Could those two little words have such an impact and have changed the whole course of my life if someone had have just listened to me when I asked for help?

I asked for help. Again. I asked for help. Again. I asked for help. Again. You can see the cycle here.

It's funny because as a mother you fight and advocate for your children with all your being but with yourself you seem to just roll over and accept whatever your told without really fighting don’t you.

If you've ever read my other posts you may know I lost my mother, my wingman in 2022. It was at this point I felt my lowest, not only for obvious reasons, but I had no one to hold me up any more.

This was now my final cry for help. If no one helped me this time I wasn't sure if I could carry on any more without the only person who really, really knew me there.

Life got much worse for me on the inside. On the outside nothing changed. I was, if anything, even more bubbly, even more outgoing and welcoming to other people.

I was thriving in my career and winning awards.

The loneliest people shout the loudest.

I could feel myself disappearing into my own mind, drowning in a million thoughts that I couldn't understand or hear. Consumed with a constant need to be on the go and never sit down. To never stop. To never let people who love me be near me or get close enough to really know how desperately I didn’t want to be here.

I would clean 5 to 6 times a day, I would re arrange furniture or re decorate every couple of months. I would constantly buy new things for a serotonin rush. I would think something bad would happen if I didn't turn the light off and on a certain amount of times, or take an even amount of steps on the stairs. I would take too much medication to numb the pain and quiet my mind at night even for just a few hours respite. I would work long hours and wake at the crack of dawn - I was like a coiled spring ready to snap.

I was horrible to be around.

I hit peri menopause and I just couldn’t mask like I could in my earlier years.

Everything triggered me.

With ragging hormones now overwhelming me even more I was searching everywhere for help.

9th October 2024 after what felt like an eternity I was finally seen by a psychologist. 3 hours spent talking and over sharing.

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

I don't know if the poor bloke needed therapy himself after seeing me but he nearly broke down when he saw the sense of relief I felt when I finally had the answers I had been searching for.

This is my normal and this is my road to recovery. At long last.

22nd January 2025 I met my psychiatrist. I already knew quite a lot about medication for adhd from my children so I had a good idea which I wanted to try (and which was always available) there's absolutely nothing worse than having medication and then it not being available! I started on 30mg, elvanse and this is where my healing began.

23rd January.

The first day I heard myself breathing, the first day I could hear my own heartbeat.

The first day I stood in my kitchen and could hear the clock ticking.

My mind was quiet.

I could still hear my thoughts but I really had to be still to hear them.

They weren't over powering my every emotion and my every sense.

I felt an eerie sense of calm that I have never ever experienced.

I wasn't swaying on the spot, and I wasn't fiddling with my hair tie which has been faithfully on my wrist for as long as I can remember.

I flicked the switch on the kettle and waited for it to boil, without doing anything else at the same time. I just stood and watched it.

In this time I had no sense of anxiety or urgency. Previously I would have been dashing around almost racing with the kettle to see how many other jobs I could get done in this time, but I felt peaceful just waiting and watching.

I didn't shout at the kids. They're always shouted at in the mornings because I have to get them to school and get to work, but I just didn't feel stressed- everything would be fine, they would be ready, and I would be ready.

There was no sense of impending doom that I've lived with for nearly 40 years.

Throughout the day I had moments where I felt a little uneasy because I wasn't rushing around, I had nothing to do, I probably did, but it didn't matter, because it was nothing important, nothing that couldn't wait until tomorrow at least.

I was almost floating along I suppose.

I was definitely more aware of myself, I could hear myself talking so I was less impulsive with things I was saying and I was talking much much slower.

It's funny the things I was noticing that I never ever noticed before. The tone in which I was speaking, the pace and the words I could suddenly remember.

It's like my mind had suddenly opened up again. My thoughts all in their own lane.

I almost wanted to apologise to everyone for being me for the last 40 years, because who even am I? Is this now who i am? Is this who I’m really supposed to be now I’m medicated?

Do I have to find a new me?

Do the people who know me and love me have to get to know me again?

As I approach my 40th birthday I'm no longer filled with dread and worry that life is this all consuming chaotic thing, that maybe just maybe it can be calm and beautiful and I can accept that this is my normal.

As I look at my children I'm filled with an immense guilt that they also have this "normal" because it's a lot to deal with as an adult never mind a child.

I know I will still have bad days, and that’s ok, because I feel as though maybe now I can cope with them a little better now.

The biggest hurdle for me now, is accepting that It’s time to grieve for my mum - I’ve been in denial about that and I know it’s time to face the fact that she isn’t here with me in person.

So next time you see someone or meet someone who you think is different, or hard work, take a step back and remember we are all normal in our own unique way and we are all facing and dealing with battles and demons that stem way deeper than you could ever imagine.

I’m putting this out there not for sympathy, not for people to view me differently, maybe perhaps to show people that even when you’re feeling low someone out there get’s it too. It’s ok to share, It’s ok to ask for help, and It’s ok to be you.

I’m incredibly thankful that I have my art as my escape - when I am behind that camera I feel totally free - making others feel empowered, beautiful and capturing those moments are truly what sets my soul alight. Meeting those tiny little babies and holding this new life in my hands, I feel so blessed that I’m picked time and time again to create such magical art.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening, and thank you for being on this journey with me x